smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
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I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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