Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
