um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
