Tell her she can't have a vagina
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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