Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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