The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
