I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
