Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
