everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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