hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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