i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
