it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the condom got lost in my hair
this beer tastes like vomit already
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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