Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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