So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
