I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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