I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
