she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
