it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
