He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
