Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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