Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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