I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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