You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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