I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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