You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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