Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
