i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
