I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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