having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
