I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
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