Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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