the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Houston, we have a squirter
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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