I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
