Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
