as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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