the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
