I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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