I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you traded sex for a burrito?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
the room spins SO much faster in panama
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
