If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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