I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My life is pants optional.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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