your parents love me but you hate me
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
