What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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