DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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