Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
