"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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