Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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