you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
