Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
