The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
