Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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