its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
