walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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