Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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