Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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