Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
