She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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