In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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