just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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