Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He has the fingertips of a God
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