im six kinds of drunk right now
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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