upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Your cock deserves a montage
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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