nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Holy shit dude........stairs
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
