I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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