my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
