I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
